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Will You?

can you save me?
can you bring me back
where I belong?
far from this fear
far from this pain
deep into happiness
where I wish to be.

will you take my hand?
will you walk me there,
the road is long,
but I will walk forever,
with one touch of your hand.

will you comfort me?
will you tell me its ok
and it will be alright.
tell me how I wont have to worry,
once I'm home,
where you are walking me.

will you hold me?
when I just cant make it,
and I want to give up.
will you wrap your arms around me,
and tell me to be strong?

will you pick me up?
when I fall, 
will you tell me its not much further?
will you bring me from my knees,
onto my feet,
and give me the strength to make it?

will you walk away?
when we get there,
will you turn your back on me,
and leave me standing,
crying, and begging for you?

will you forget about the walk?
will you start your life again,
forgetting that you took me there?
how you made me strong,
when I was weak,
how you lifted me,
when I was on the ground,
how you told me,
not to quit?

you'll walk away again,
I know you will,
I feel it in your touch,
I hear it in your voice,
and I see it in your eyes.

to you,
nothing lasts forever.
there must be a beginning,
and there must be an end.
to me,
I don't know,
everything goes away,
if you don't hold it tight enough.
I guess when you fall,
you can hold on and hurt yourself,
or you can let go and help yourself.
you taught me to help myself,
so I let go,
to break my fall.

I stood so proud to show you,
I'm not weak like I once was,
but when I made it to my feet,
I couldn't find you.

and you were gone.

I fell again that day,
you didn't teach me very well,
I made it to my knees a few times,
but got too tired and laid back down.

I've been here ever since,
opening my eyes,
every so often,
praying that when I do,
you'll be standing there,
with your hand reached out to help me up,
and carry me back home again.

but when they open and you're not there,
I sink a little more,
so I open them a little less,
and sink a little less,
but sometimes,
I really think you're there,
and I know,
that you're worth checking for.

Kurt L. Ashton
10-09-01

 

Save Me

I'm scared,
hiding in this corner,
my face buried in my arms,
wishing just praying
to feel your hand on mine,
grasping it,
making me feel safe,
and no longer alone.
come and save me,
take me from this life
that I hate,
come and save me,
let me go with you,
love me, hold me, need me.
opening my eyes I see
nothing.
I am still here,
and I am still alone.
why won't you come save me?

Kurt L. Ashton
10-01-00


Forgive Me

I know I was wrong
I was always so wrong
I wish you could forgive
the things I've said.
I never meant any of it.
I know you know that
but you still hate me.
Please don't hate me.
How can two people that
were once so in love,
now be so far apart.
Please don't hate me
I just want to say I'm sorry
and I know you don't believe it,
and I made that by myself.
I created this life,
I created this cloud,
I created this hate,
but I can't seem
to fix any of it.
I feel so useless
and alone without you.
Please stop hating me,
please just be able to hear me,
please forgive me,
I'm in love with you.

Kurt L. Ashton
10-01-00


Untitled

I remember you walking away
looking at your back
you were crying
you had to have been so strong
to walk away like that.

But what now?
So many years later,
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to say
I don't know how to act
or even think,

all I know,
is that not even I can believe
how in love with you I am
I never knew the human mind
could hold so much love,
I didn't think it was possible
but now I know,
I know this is all real,
and I am so scared,
but you are so far away.

I just wish you could hear me say
I love you.

Kurt L. Ashton
10-07-00


I Lost

watch me crumble
watch me fall
watch me fail
watch it all

I'm dying now
I wasted so much time,
all I did was lose,
I was winning
but when I lost
I lost it all.

I'm useless
and a waste of life.
everything is wrong,
I don't recognize me.

Kurt L. Ashton
08-02-01


If I Have To Wait Forever.

Sometimes, I see it,
and sometimes I feel it.
but sometimes there's nothing,
and sometimes I feel nothing.

I know its there,
well, I think its there.
but if it is,
it will take awhile.

Time is needed,
but I don't have much time.
as each day is passing,
my time is fading.

Ill wait as long as I have to,
it will be worth every minute.
and if I have to wait forever,
ill try until forever is here.

eventually it will be here,
and forever will be over.
but after living so long as not,
how will I live a life as?

if forever never ends,
will I still be waiting?
will I still be standing?
will I still be looking?

It doesn't really matter,
forever is forever,
and forever never ends,
so I will wait forever,
if I have to wait forever.

Kurt L. Ashton
09-23-01


Beautifully Casual

When we made fun of everything
we both squint the same eye in the sun
I laughed when you got caught in rain
cute when you were tired
the way you looked at me all I saw was love
always trying to have fun
when your friends were my friends
never really had any style
kiss me anywhere
you knew you were beautiful but never acted it
took up my sport
always ready to have fun even just you and me
you're high in the clouds
wind in your hair at the beach
summer heat, smell of sand
smiling for my camera
walking out of the water
it was my time to go,
I didn't belong there anymore
beautifully casual

Kurt L. Ashton


I Remember

I remember,
the most beautiful night,
we ever had,
snow fell from the heavens,
like angels coming to save us
and keep you and I,
together forever

I remember,
smiling at you,
as we put on our
coats,
hats,
and mittens
we walked out the door,
and became blessed,
as the angels touched us.

I remember,
looking at the street light,
and through the darkness,
the snow fell,
so bright,
and full
that I could not see,
the other side
of life.

I remember,
being frozen in time,
pondering to myself
what life would be like,
if everyday,
felt the same
as this night.
I remember,
having to leave
I took one last look
into your eyes
but when I left,
my heart fell out,
and so did yours,
and we died.

I remember,
at our funeral,
the angels came down,
and sang our song,
but no one cried
because our time on earth ended,
but when we left,
our beach died.

I remember,
being gone,
I met all the perished,
but never saw her there,
they say she got caught,
between the worlds,
and that I would never see her,
again.

I remember,
the snow fell
that night
when I found out
I would never see,
my only
love,
again.

I remember,
closing my eyes,
and feeling the hurt,
but I realized,
I would always see her
as my only love, and my angel
in my heart.

I remember,
no,
I don't really
I just wish,
I had another chance
to love her,
and be loved by her,
again.

Kurt L. Ashton
12-06-98


Flying

I remember flying through the sky,
and seeing your face for the first time.
I never thought I'd know you,
I never thought I'd love you,
I never knew I'd die for you,
but I did.

Kurt L. Ashton


Tara

Shine through
the dark,
you are,
my light.

Without you in
my heart,
my life,
is night.

Kurt L. Ashton


Untitled #2

I used to wish,
that you and I,
were two lovers in a movie,
and there's our daughter,
our baby girl,
hugging us after the tragedy.

This night I cried for you,
I haven't cried for you in so long,
I still don't believe myself,
when I look in the mirror,
remembering that it's over, you're gone

Maybe I still hold for you,
I think I do, I think I do,
but maybe I'm not good for you,
so you pretend, that I am gone.
Gone from your heart,
you know I'm not,
you still hold for me,
and I still hold for you,
but it's too late to start again,
we both have someone new.

Maybe we will meet again,
sometimes I pray to God,
to bring you in my arms
that night, forget what I have done,
just hold me one more time,
then we can say goodbye,
I'll regret and I will miss
you, but this time when we end,
it will be the truth and not a lie.

Kurt L. Ashton
01-05-99


Here We Met

The cold brisk breeze,
blows through my hair,
I take your hand,
but you don't care.

We walk on the beach,
while waves break on the shore,
I hold you so close,
but you want more.

Why can't I give you,
all that you need?
Three little words,
that started this seed.

Here we met,
so not long ago,
I hated you then,
now I love you so.

I look deep in your eyes,
you're beautiful forever
I whisper into your ear,
'I love you Tara, forget this never.'

With tears in my eyes,
I hold you so close,
I won't let you go,
if God watches us both.

Kurt L. Ashton
12-15-95


Here We Met 2

The cold brisk breeze,
blows through my hair,
I reach for your hand,
but it's not there.

I walk alone on the beach,
while waves break on the shore,
I want you so close,
but it's not me anymore.

I know that I gave you,
all that you need,
with the three little words,
that started this seed.

Here we met,
so long ago,
I love you more now,
and forever so.

I look deep in the darkness,
which goes on forever,
I wish I could tell you,
'I love you Tara,' and you would forget this never.

With tears in my eyes,
I fall to the floor,
I let you go,
God's not watching anymore.

Kurt L. Ashton
12-31-97


The New, The Old

In this corner,
solitude,
my heart aches,
it's nothing new.
What I say,
my heart dislikes,
what I feel,
can't be right.
Who are you?
Where'd she go?
It's been so long,
that I don't know.
Where's the life,
that I once knew?
far apart,
is what we grew.
Goodbye my sweet,
I love you so,
you are my life,
forever so.

Kurt L. Ashton
04-30-98


Solitude

A young ma sits alone,
in his heart, alone.
in this life, alone.
as solitude surrounds
his life,
he forgets what life was like,
when he had all,
God could give,
until the shadows surrounded,
and came within.
Everything he ever wanted,
anything he ever needed.
drain, the plug was pulled,
around and down,
he was fooled.
this young man is alone,
the rest of life,
he is, alone.

Kurt L. Ashton
04-22-98


Dance With Me

With only the light of my late night
television, guiding me through this page,
tonight a beautiful image in my head,
the sunrise, the sunset, they don't compare.

She stands across the room,
the flashing lights show me her eyes,
and I take a step,
and come back into my life,
for just one night.

Dance with me,
and our eyes meet,
nods her head,
her eyes hang low,
she take my hand,
and as we dance
we say no words,
but love is there,
we just remember,

the song ends,
but we don't let go,
we hold on tight,
and everyone worries.
My hand on her head,
pushed deep in my neck,
and we stand like this,
all night long.

I shouldn't say
but do anyway,
'I never stopped loving you.'
our eyes meet,
a smile inside,
but nothing on the outer,
nodding she says,
she knows,
she knows,
she feels the same.

It's time for me to go,
we say goodbye
because it's forever
but now I can live,
just knowing,
she thinks of me,
the way I've always
thought of her.
I love you.
We will meet again.

Kurt L. Ashton
05-07-99

 

Falling

I feel like I'm falling,
further everyday,
from the life that I once knew,
and the life that I once loved.
I'm reaching for something to hold onto,
but everything I reach for,
slips through my fingers,
and I turn my head,
and watch them as they get
further, and further behind me.

The further I fall,
the darker it gets,
even darker then the darkest sky.

I try to scream for help,
but I'm falling so fast,
that I can't get the words out.

As I fall, I wonder,
what happened to my life,
the life that I once knew,
and the life that I once loved.
I lost it.
There are no pieces to pick up,
there are no holes to be filled,
there's nothing left but a life I loved,
that didn't love me back.

Kurt L. Ashton
09-25-01


When I Wake Up

When I wake up,
I won't hurt anymore,
and all my hurt,
and anger,
will be gone.

When I wake up,
I wont want to go anymore,
because I've gone before,
and now I know,
that nothing is better,
then what I have,
there.

When I wake up,
I'll feel like me again,
because when I wake up,
I will be me again.

This can't go on forever,
and I wait for the day,
that I open my eyes,
and I'm back where I belong.
I'll be able to smell it in the air,
when I take my first conscience breath.
I'll be me, and I will live,
like no one has lived before,
simply because I know how bad it can be.

When I wake up,
I will hold onto everything,
I will never let go,
because now I know,
how easily it is to lose,
everything.

When I wake up,
I will smell the summer sand at the beach,
I will smell the ocean breeze,
and feel the water on my legs,
as I walk back into my life,
for one more try.

When I wake up,
I'll do it all right.
I wont let go,
I wont betray,
I wont hurt anyone,
because I don't want to lose everything,
again.

But I wake up right now,
and realize the only dream I'm having,
is on this paper.
I won't wake up,
because this is my life,
and there's no room,
for second chances.

So when I wake up,
I'll cherish the time I'm there,
knowing that my only happiness,
is right there,
in my dream,
that I am dreaming.

Kurt L. Ashton
09-25-01

 

I Miss You

I just want to see you,
to touch your skin,
make sure you're real,

kiss your lips,
and hold you so close,
make you safe again,
I wont let go.

Hear your voice
when I wake up,
watch you sleep
all night long,
your peaceful face,
will keep me safe,
safe from my hurt,
safe from my pain,
safe from myself.

I want to say I miss you,
but I know it doesn't matter,
I've done this to myself,
and I know I'm here for good.
I'd give up everything
for one more day with you.
you make me feel happy,
you make me feel free,
but mixed with all you make me feel,
you make me feel me.

Kurt L. Ashton
09-27-01


Away

I remember everything,
but you've forgotten it all.
I need to be with you,
My life's beginning to fall.

Kurt L. Ashton


Myself

After she left,
she told someone,
sometimes I'm just,
not myself.

I agree,
myself was with her,
and now,
now she's gone,
so how can I be myself,
if the biggest part of me,
isn't there,
anymore?

Kurt L. Ashton



Time

Time is not on my side,
it keeps passing,
and it passes so fast.
What I thought was yesterday,
is now forever gone,
years have passed,
years have wasted,
years have died,
right in front of me,
and I did nothing to save them.
I just let them drift away,
like they were nothing.
Everything seems so different now,
I don't see me in me,
time has taken me away from myself,
so far, I don't even know where to start looking,
for something that could make me myself again.
Why me? Why has time pulled away my life?
Things have happened,
lives have changed,
stories created,
and a history written.
I don't like the history,
but I can't change it.
All I can do is look to the rest of my life,
and fight to make it how I want it to be.
The only problem is,
I'm too weak.

Kurt L. Ashton
10-07-01 

 

Hiding Hurt

I'm tired of this,
I'm tired of me,
with my fake smiles,
and my fake laughs.
I'm running out of time,
I'm running out of life,
I'm running out of me.
I don't want to hide me anymore,
but I'm so weak inside,
from hiding hurt,
to fight my way out of this.
Two lives wait for me,
it's my choice,
I have to choose,
do I live the life of me,
or do I live the life of him?
I know what he wants,
and I know what I want.
But he's stronger,
and I'm so weak.
I know he'll win,
and drag me with him,
to that life that makes me shudder,
when I think of how,
I'd sit and watch,
getting weaker
and weaker,
until there was nothing left of me.
I would be filled with regret,
that I didn't fight,
when I had the strength to try.
But still,
I don't know what to do,
so I'll continue,
with my fake smiles,
and my fake laughs,
in this fake life,
that I am living,
just hiding hurt.

Kurt L. Ashton
11.05.01



Was I Dreaming

I was laying in there,
in the bed,
in the room,
that smelt like hospital.
what was I doing there?
Did you put me there,
or did I do it to myself?
I just wanted to be alone,
or see you, standing, looking,
over the side of my bed,
but you weren't there,
and you weren't going to be.
I drift in and out of sleep,
not because I'm tired,
but because it's tearing me apart,
and it hurts to keep my eyes open.
I didn't want to be there,
there was reality,
with my eyes closed,
I could dream,
about the life I lost,
and put myself there.
Then the door opens,
and I open my eyes to see who it is.
There you are, walking in,
and you stop,
and our eyes meet,
I thought I could do it,
but I can't,
I try to hold it in,
but I can't.
I cry.
The sight of you kills me,
I can't look into your eyes,
it tears me apart.
So I turn away,
but you come over,
and you say my name,
but I can't answer,
you touch my head, and I turn the other way,
I just cant look at you,
it's killing me,
and I want to live,
I think.
you come around the bed to look at me,
but I turn again.
What was I doing?
You were the only person I wanted to see,
and I'm wasting time.
I decide you're worth the pain,
I close my eyes,
and gather my strength,
but when I open them to look at you,
you're gone.
I pushed you away,
again, like I didnt before.
I dont close my eyes,
but they open again.
was I dreaming,
or were you there?
I was dreaming,
the pain had put me to sleep again,
and I dreamed you cam to see me,
but it was nothing.
It was just another thing,
in my head,
where I create a life,
I wish I had.

Kurt L. Ashton
11.05.01



Hate Me

Whatever I do,
Whatever I say,
it's not good enough.
you hate me no matter what,
I do, or what I say.
you don't allow me to have an opinion,
it has to be your way or no way,
even though you're the one
that took my life away from me.
hate me today
hate me tomorrow
hate me forever,
i'll still be in love with you.
you might think you can make me hate you,
but I never will.
you say we weren't meant to be,
not then as us,
not now as friends,
we're just two people,
who knew each other,
once upon a time.
I don't believe that,
and you don't either,
you won't respect,
the one thing I ask of you,
so how do I hide that?
I don't. I tell you,
and so you hate me more.
More then yesterday,
More then tomorrow.
And I don't know,
If I should walk away,
if I should forget,
but you know I can't,
and you know I won't.
You love to see me,
crawling back,
and saying I'm sorry.
Why do you have to treat me like this?
You love me once,
we we're even friends once,
and now again,
we're nothing.
I'll just remember,
that it was meant to be,
then as us,
now as friends,
two people who will remember each other,
and tell story's that start with,
once upon a time.

Kurt L. Ashton
11.05.01

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